Trembling Believes

I was not well aware about the doubts that Baha’is would make about Islam and knowhow to answer them. I thought that being informed about Sheikh Ahmad Ehsa’i, Bab and Baha are enough for me to take part in Baha’i circles that were full of heavy and mature discussions.

One day, Mr. Khodai, my instructor informed me that a butcher is going to be a Baha’i and we should find him. The session for this ceremony was about to be hold in a house in Reza’ee Street (After Navab crossroads).

I was there at the right time. There was a professional Baha’i proselytizer named Katira’ee who was talking. His speech began at sunset and continued up to midnight. He was talking about so-called distortions in Quran. About prophet Muhammad (PBUH) he said: “The meaning that Muslim believe that he is “Khatam” of prophets (the last prophet) is not right and “Khatam” means seal of a ring and…” step by step he went forward and bit by bit my believes were getting trembled. In the middle of his speech, I was feeling a cold sense in my mind. Despite all those trainings that I had passed, the more I thought in his speech, the more I would lose believes.

At the end of the session my mind was hardly frozen and confused. I was not thinking about the butcher; who was he? And, where was he? I had to find myself, to save my soul. I had a strange and indescribable feeling. My thoughts were destroyed and I was at the brink of infidelity. I was in a condition that if I had not prayed before that session, I would not pray any more. I was there to identify that butcher man was going to be a Baha’i and save him, but I myself was in the tramp. I felt like sinking in a bog; by any move I felt deeper in that bog. I did not know if I was a Muslim or Baha’i then?! My believes’ pillars were trembling and falling down.

I came out of that session and started to walk aimlessly. To where? I did not know! I just was walking and would look at sides confusingly. I was crying so hard. Suddenly I found myself at a crossroad with a phone booth. I decided to call Mr. Khoda’ee, my instructor. I dialed the numbers with trembling fingers. His phone rang several times. His wife picked up the phone and said harshly: “Who is it at midnight?!” I said: “It’s me. Ahmad Ahmad, I want to talk to Mr. Khoda’ee.” She said: “Sir, it is 1 o’clock at night! What do you want?” I said: “It’s so important.” She said: “He is asleep now!” I got angry and shouted: “Asleep!? Lady! Go and call him! He has sent us to a desert without any shelter and now is relaxed asleep!? Lady! Wake him up, now is not the time for sleeping! Wake him up to answer me…”

Few minutes later, Morteza Khoda’ee picked up the phone and answered with a sleepy voice: “Yes!” I burst to cry. He said; “Yeas! Ahmad! What’s up?” I controlled myself to some degree and said: “Nothing! what do you want to hear?” and started to talk like kid who has reach to his parents and wants to narrate story and told what had happened to me. I was crying and talking. Sometime I would take in deep breath and continue to narrate the speech by that Baha’i proselytizer.

When I finished, Mr. Khoda’ee burst to laugh and said: “Ok, this is the story…, it was a bit soon for you to go there. It was my mistake. Firstly, I had to know who the proselytizer was and then sent you there. I had to be more careful.  Anyway, do you want to get your answer now? Let it be for tomorrow then we can talk together.” He had not answered me yet, but his voice had simmered me down. I said: “For the God’ sake, no. I cannot wait. I’ll die till tomorrow!” He said: “But it is 1:30 at midnight.” I said: “I have not gone home yet and I am in the street now. You should answer me tonight, not later. I should know what to do.” He asked: “Is it ok there? Nobody may interrupt?” I said no and he said: “Ok. Listen carefully...” He answered all the doubts that Baha’is present one by one. About one hour I was listening to him on the phone. As much as he talked, I got calmer. Just like pouring water on fire. I lost my excitement and anger gradually. I felt relieved. I felt much better and my body was getting warmer. I was not angry anymore. I was free and happy…

At the end Mr. Khoda’ee asked: “Ok. How are you now?” I said: “Ok. But you had to tell me these things before. Why you did not?” He said: “It was my fault. It was soon for you to go there. The proselytizer in that session is an expert and he has been doing it for many years in Iran and someone like me or Mr. Mina’ipour should go there. You are passing the early ages in this battle ground and ...”

That night was an important memorable one. I saw by my own eyes that how easy someone may fall in a moment; lose everything and find them again a moment later. I found out that I should be more careful about myself; because each moment can be the time for falling into deep dangerous valleys of misery. I understood how weak I was and how limited was my capacity for analyzing and understanding. I swore to myself to try more in increasing my knowledge and insight.

After that event I started reading religious book seriously. I had detailed and long sessions of ideological discussions with Mr. Khoda’ee. I would also participate in Dr. Negin and Dr. Tavana classes. I also would listen to preaches by famous preachers and clergies and I thickened my knowledge in religion in a way that I was saved in future dangerous abysses.